Garry trotter and the Philosopher are stoned
by martin
Summary: Strange twisted story of what garry and his mate really did (garry's not gay ok)
1. Default Chapter

Hey get a load of this guys! my real name is John, John Weedy I am a friend of Garry's and I've heard all the stories about my friend but someone's got the name wrong and twisted the story a bit so I've written what really happened! This is a true story! Disclaimer: J.K Rowling owns Harry Hotter and this is just a parody! so please don't sue me!!!!!!!! Chapter one A NEW HERO This is how it really went......... One Saturday morning a child was born, and his parents gave him a name,... a name that many years from now will be remembered for many years. This name was Garry...., Garry Trotter! Mr and Mrs Trotter Had finally had a baby. Garry was a little boy who was loved a lot by his parents..... * One full year had passed as quickly as a pack of stampeding hedgehogs and for the first time in Garry's life came his first 1 year old birthday! As usual Garry was bashing his favourite sock against the window when he saw something that he'd never forget; a hooded man was standing at the window with a pink stick and he was tapping it against the door. Garry heard his father running down the stairs and shouting to his mother "you've burnt the bacon!" but then he heard a loud bang just like a sound you get from making a loud bang! the whole house shook and Garry fell on the floor. His mother came running up the stairs, she quickly picked Garry up and then she pulled out a brown stick and said "sabus garyoly". Suddenly Garry felt a great warm feeling, his legs were all wet then he suddenly went as stiff as a stuffed jellyfish!, He felt a lump rolling down his leg!! "stop playing with that" cried his mother "it's dirty poo poo!" His mother put him on the bed and ran to the door, but it was too late! A man was standing at the door, his mother held up her brown stick but faster than Garry could say "goo gu gubablurrrrr" His mother had fallen to the floor! The man was getting closer... and then he put his face right above Garry's and.... Too late, Garry had touched the mans face with his pooy hands and the man flung backwards, tripped over Garry's mother then landed on her brown stick! The brown stick had gone straight through the mans ear and out the other side! The end that was sticking out of the mans ear started to flash and burn and then a fire ball came out of the end of it and bounced off Garry's head leaving a burn mark on his forehead! The brown stick carried on spitting fire and then the house started to catch fire!!! * In a small neighbourhood somewhere in the middle of England, a cat was sat on a wall. Meanwhile in Surrey something was happening; a man stood in a long black coat with dark sunglasses and a gun in his hands and he started shooting at the lamp posts of Public Cycle. Suddenly a tree came out of nowhere and waddled across the road to where the man in the black coat stood. The man in the black coat started to say something... "I didn't expect to see you here Miss Ronald-mac-donaldall." The tree began to wriggle and then it fell over, like a corrugated iron roof in a hurricane, it stared to say "can you unzip this costume?" "I've been trying to get out of it all day!" "Ah" said the man with the gun "I can see that you have been doing transvesteration........ hold on" he unzipped the zip to reveal a very in shape woman with black hair and wearing green tight trousers with a black cloak around her there were square spectacles on her head and a very tight green top that pressed against her chest . "Thank you Fumblefraud!" said the woman. "where's Aggregate". The man with the shades said "He should be here any minute!" "do you think it's seff?" "to let sutch a dangorus pesen wit a litteeeel bowwwe ?" - "why are you speaking like that professor?" interrupted Fumblefraud "I've swallowed some twigs" said professer mac Donagle. "Well professor, I would trust Aggregate with my wife, if I had one " said Fumblefraud. Then out of nowhere came a low rumbling noise immediately followed by the distinct smell of eggs. "Pardon me!" said Fumblefraud. The two professors stood waiting for half an hour until the street was suddenly lit with a very large head light, there was an irritating squeaky sound coming from behind it, the enormous head light came closer. Was it a giant sized motorbike lent to the driver by Garry's godfather? But what the hell was Garry's godfather, Garry's human sized godfather, doing with a motorbike that size anyway? Ah, but no! It was a tricycle, a beautiful yellow tricycle, a beautiful shiny yellow tricycle with rainbow tassels on the handle bars. The man riding it seemed to be carrying a sack that apparently contained a baby. The professors waited a good ten minutes as the man on the tricycle made pathetic attempts at peddling closer, it was no good, his legs were far to long and because of his size they came up to his shoulders as he tried to peddle. He finally gave up and got off, he strode over to Fumblefraud, going ten times faster than when he was on the tricycle. The man was very big, , about the size of a golf ball is when c ompared to an ant. When he reached Fumblefraud he stopped, "'Ere `e is, sir" said the big man. He lifted the sack off his shoulder and gave it to Fumblefraud "The little thing was sick when we was flying over Bristol" said the golf ball man "Thank you Aggregate" said Fumblefraud. Fumblefraud put the baby down on the door step of number 5 and left a note on it's leg. 


	2. the letter

Disclaimer: I've already said that I don't own Harry Hotter but I want to make it clear that I really don't own Harry Potter and this is just a parody! 

Giggling excitedly, they all hid behind a bush, waiting. "I think we'd better ring the door bell" said Mac Donaldall. Just as she got up, the door opened and a short, thin man with grey hair came out, he immediately spotted Mac Donaldall and then looked at the door step. "Shit!" exclaimed Mac Donaldall, and then she legged it. "Oy!" squeaked the man and, picking up the baby, tried to run after the woman but tripped on the laces of his hiking boots, at that moment he heard his wife shrieking for him. The man walked inside with the baby and closed the door. 

Ten years later....... "Wake up!" came a voice "Wake up you skinny, little bastard !".Garry sat up and lay back down again, then sat up and then lay back down again, he did this for two minuets or so, until he realised he was hitting his head on the ceiling of the cupboard under the stairs, where he slept. He opened the door to find a huge fat woman with a beard, wearing a tent "What were you doing in there with all that bumping?! you dirty little sod!!" said his aunt Ainutep "Make sure you wash your hands before you cook our breakfast!" 

It was awful living with his aunt and uncle, if aunt Ainutep wasn't bad enough there was Garry's uncle; Bens. Bens was short, skinny and had a perverse liking for tight trousers and woolly cardigans "There's nothing wrong with cycling shorts!! Linford Christy wears them you know!" Uncle Bens repeated this every time his son Crispin complained about his trousers being to... revealing. 

Cooking the breakfast was an every day task for garry, it was very boring. but today it was garry's cousin's birthday and they were going to the zoo. Garry would normally be left at home with a baby sitter, but since garry's ant and uncle found out what garry and the baby sitter were getting up to when they were out, garry was allowed to go. 

they all finished there breakfast and set off. 

The day was sunny and warm, about as warm as a cow, Crispin happily skipped along, his flab bouncing up and down and wobbling as he moved. They slowly made their way in to the zoo. Today aunt Ainutep was wearing her marquee style tent, uncle Bens was wearing his favourite phosphorescent pink cycling short with bicycle clips hanging uselessly around his ankles. They headed to the reptile house and stared at the 10 foot long boa constrictor. Crispin suddenly squealed like a person stamping on a duck that's just been fed bicarbonate of soda, which makes it emit a noise that sounds a lot like a pig squealing in a gale force wind. "Squeee!" went Crispin. His mother and father immediately followed the tremor creating animal that was their son towards the ice cream stand. Garry was left alone. Being the sad person he was without any friends, he turned to the snake and started talking to it "Sorry about them " said Garry "They don't know what its like to be a snake, with no arms to hold your cup of tea, no legs to walk around on, having to smell your food with your tongue and taking days to digest it " Strangely Garry knew a hell of a lot about snakes and just as his slow mind began to process this information he realised that he knew a hell of a lot about snakes, the snake looked up "Piss off , you barstard little boy " hissed the snake "Can't you see i'm trying to get some sleep!" "Can you hear me?" said Garry as his eye began twitching as it always seemed to do whenever he asked questions. Just at that moment Crispin came running along and pressed his greasy nose up against the glass, knocking Garry to the floor. "Mum, Dad !" said Crispin "You won't believe what this snakes doing!" Garry looked up at Crispin and wished the glass would disappear and ,not surprisingly, it didn't. Crispin, being as stupid as he was fat, began banging violently against the glass trying in a childish attempt to get the snake to move. The glass smashed under the ox sized boy's blows and he fell in. The snake made a dash.... err, no........... ,more of a run.......... emmmmm..... no.... The snake, not having any arms or legs, made a sort of sliding effort for Crispin and tried to constrict him but, as Crispin was so fat, the snack couldn't quite fit it's body around him. After failing miserably it decided to leave him and escape. 

This chapter isn't finished yet but I hope to finish it soon! please review!!!! 


	3. the letter part 2

Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter of any of it's characters and this is just a parody 

OK, I've done some more but I could do with some support so pleas review!, hope you like it! 

After all the commotion they all went home and then uncle Bens dragged Garry out of the car and into the house by the ear. No sooner had he opened the door when he had slipped up on a letter that was on the doormat, ripping off the chunk of Garry's ear that he was holding on to. "what's this?" he cried. He bent down in front of Garry, Garry turned his head in the opposite direction, it wasn't because he didn't what to see the letter, it was because he thought that it would be better if his uncle didn't have to go commando all the time, those shorts really did make everything stand out a lot!!!! "Mister Garry Trotter ?" read out his uncle. suddenly his uncle stood up as fast as roast dinner "Hate mail!" said uncle Bens and threw it in the bin. 

Weeks passed since then and Garry was getting suspicious about the mail. He had found bits of shredded letter in Crispins hamster cage which was a bit strange seeing as Crispin's hamster died 2 years ago, he also found bits of letter with brown skid marks and his name and address on it floating in the toilet just after uncle Bens had finished in the bathroom and when his slow brain had finished processing the answer to all this mail happening he noticed that one tea time Crispin had spilt his drink and Ainutep was mopping it up with what looked to be....... ONE OF HIS LETTERS!!!!! He quickly went back upstairs to the toilet and pulled out a soggy, brown piece of paper. It was no good it was totally soiled. He glumly went downstairs wiping his hand on the banister as he went down. Suddenly a letter soared through the letter box and hit Garry, with the force of an armadillo, directly in his lovely food coloured blue eyes. Garry fell back, tumbled down the last few steps and with a huge crash, about as loud as a woman, hit the floor. "What's going on ?" squeaked his uncle. His uncle made a pathetic attempt at running but, due to his bicycle clips sliding up his shiny waxed legs and hitting him in the groin, he decided to walk. He reached the door and looked down at the pile of sawdust that was on the floor and said "What happened?" "This letter hit me in the face and now I can't see!" replied Garry. uncle Bens Stared at Garry like a wolf up a tree "Now look what you've done!" shouted Mr Bens "we'll have to take you to the doctors!". 

Garry and Mr Bens got in the car and headed to the doctors. After about half an hour they met the doctor. "hummmm..... looks bad" said the doctor, "better take him to an optician!". So after another half hour they reached the optician shop and Garry had an eye test. "oh," said Bob, the optician "you'll have to were glasses!" "bollocks!" exclaimed Garry. don't worry we have got some nice glasses" said Bob. Garry picked up a pair of wicked sun glasses and thought " huuummmm..... not so bad." "We'll take the cheep and nasty pair" interrupted Mr Bens. "O.k" said Bob, "hey Jeff, can you pleas attend these people for a second while I do the paper work?", Jeff was a lumberjack, "o.k" said Jeff, the shop assistant. "we would like a pair of the cheapest ones" continued Mr Bens "Ah, I have just the thing" replied Jeff, "Big thick black round ones, especially useful for seeing bras and polo bears when you're lumberjakkin!." Uncle Bens bought them and then they set off . Garry hated his glasses but he couldn't throw them away because he needed them to see! 

* 

It was the day before Garry's birthday and uncle Bens decided to go on a "cabin on some rocks in the middle of the sea" trip, so they all got into the car with their luggage and set off. When they finally arrived they all got out and entered a one roomed pile of shit! the walls were made of rotting green wood and there was a sofa that smelt like a cat being wrestled by a man with no fingers and in the corner stood a fire place with some soggy tissue in it. Suddenly out of nowhere came a storm the size of Mars, they all hurried inside. 

If you review I will look at your parody, book, etc... and I will review on it!!!! 


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